Erika's Journey to Oneness

Addiction is everywhere you turn these days, affecting the lives of millions across all geographical boundaries and cultures. From food addiction, to gambling addiction, to sex addiction, drug addiction, and alcohol addiction, the addictions are as varied as the people inflicted with them. I happen to be one of those people and I have struggled with this crippling disease for the better part of my life.


My career as an addict started at the ripe old age of 12, at this time I became addicted to losing weight and starving myself, otherwise known as anorexia nervosa. Around the age of 15 my addiction shifted and I then became addicted to binging and purging food, otherwise known as bulimia nervosa. When I turned 18 that is when my addiction took another form and shifted to alcohol. As a result of my alcoholism I would often drink and drive, and one night I was in a major car accident and nearly killed myself as well as the other driver, thank God there were no major injuries but I got myself a DUI and a 3 year felony probation sentence. At 21 years of age my addiction switched one final time, this is when I became addicted to roxicodone, a very strong prescription pain killer, otherwise known as "Roxy's".

Although my addictions were constantly changing and taking on different forms, there was always one thing that remained constant; that was the emptiness that I felt inside me that I was trying to fill through my addictions. No matter what I tried this void would still be there and it seemed to be growing bigger and bigger with each addiction. Going through my numerous addictions I truly realized that it really does not matter what you are addicted to because the addiction is not actually the problem but merely a symptom of what is really wrong. So then what is the real problem? There are many people who will have varied opinions on the topic and also varied solutions to your "problem". If you were to ask one of my numerous therapists and psychiatrists this question their answer would be something like this: "Erika struggles with addictions due to her low self esteem that stemmed from the lack of attention that she got during her childhood." Their solution was to pump me full of as many anti-depressant pills as possible and to revisit every event in my childhood and process my feelings about them. Their recommendation was that I receive weekly counseling sessions for the remainder of my life. That all sounds fine and dandy and seems like a logical enough explanation but my question was; "Why do I still feel so miserable and still want to use when I am supposed to be getting better?" No matter how many groups , therapy sessions, and crazy pills I had I still felt as lost and confused as ever; that was until I discovered for myself the real problem behind all of this.

So here it is, the "actual problem" behind all of my addictions..... Spiritual Deficiency. Yes, a spiritual lack or a spiritual starvation if you will. It then dawned on me that the emptiness or void that I was trying to fill this whole time with tangible and external things, could only be filled with that which was inside of me, or reconnecting with the spiritual being that I truly am. I had never actually been craving food, or alcohol, or pills rather I was craving a deeper existence that comes only from your soul. Deepening my spirituality and reconnecting with Source led me to one of the most important discoveries of my life and it was this: any happiness that I may find externally or outside of myself can never last, there will always be an end to it and it will always leave you stranded desperately searching for the next "thing" to make you happy. However, any happiness that you may mind within yourself will last forever, for once you find this happiness that resides deep inside there will be no more need for you to search outside of yourself to find it. Amen to that! Thanks to my inner happiness source and my 12 step meetings I now have 9 months clean and sober : )

Posted in: Absence of Spirituality, Addiction, alcoholism, anorexia, bulimia, drug addiction, inner happiness, spiritual deficiancy, spiritual starvation, spiritual void, spirituality on Friday, November 6, 2009 at at 11:52 AM 0 comments