Erika's Journey to Oneness

I am currently undertaking a major personal project, I am writing a book documenting every aspect of my life and exploring the deeper spiritual meanings of the struggles I have gone through.  Being that I am also an Indigo child, a profound discovery that I made only a few years ago, (I will post more on the Indigo phenomena and their characteristics in my next post), my book comes from the perspective of an Indgo child in a diary format.  Writing my life story and even just writing in general has become a huge part of my spiritual discovery and growth.  At first when I started this major project I became very overwhelmed by the amount of work that is was going to require and thought that I would never finish it, however as I began writing I quickly realized that I was looking at this project the wrong way.  Instead of my ultimate goal being to just finish the book my goal now became to grow spiritually every time that I sat down to write, which completely took away any overwhelming feelings that I had about writing my story.  It's amazing what a simple perspective shift can do!

As I was doing my daily writing this morning I came to a point in my life that was particulary dark, this was when I was in the beginning stages of developing my eating disorder.  This eating disorder wound me up in 4 treatment centers, a therapuetic boarding school, and cost me many precious years from my life, by the way.  As I was recounting the events that took place the book "A New Earth" by author Eckart Tolle popped into my head, particulary the part where he describes the "pain body".

The pain body is an unconscious entity that exists in the body and mind formed by accumulated pain from one's past.  This entities only goal is to bring situations in your life that cause you more pain because it is that pain that fuels or feeds the pain body so it can survive.  As the pain body grows and gains strength it begins to completely take over and run your life and you become like a pain junkie always looking for your next "pain fix".  Because you are not aware or conscious of its existance you become identified with it and you believe that the pain body is you. 

As I wrote I felt like I was staring directly into the eyes of my pain body, and I saw with complete clarity just how this entity was using me to gain enough strength so that it could overshadow me and completely take over my life.  The whole time I always believed that this was all coming from me, that I was the origin of all of this need for pain that I had. I thought there was something really wrong with me and that I was a crazy person, which intern caused me to become even more depressed which fed the pain body even more.  As much as I would say that I didnt want to be miserable, deep down I loved feeling sorry for myself and sulking in my own misery, it was comfortable to me.  Any sort of happiness that I would feel would make me totally uncomfortable and I would quickly do something to sabotage it so that I could return to my misery and darkness. 

So how does one defeat this pain body?  As much as I wish there was some magic potion that you could drink that would get rid of it, unfortunately there is not and completely overcoming this ego-born entity can sometimes take many years.  Even though I have overcome much of my own pain body, I am still working to completely free myself from it.  In most cases, and definately in my case, a person needs to go through personal hell and a lot of suffering before they are truly ready to release their pain body.  The most powerful weapon you have against this dark entity is the light of consciousness.  When you become conscious or aware of this entity it takes away this entities ability to use you by pretending to be you.  Simply observe the pain body and become the watcher, you will then start to disidentify yourself with it and slowly unavel it's hold from you.  Darkness cannot exist where there is light so let your light shine and completely free yourself from the grips of the pain body.